Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Struggling Still

Why do I always make things difficult? Why am I not happy and ready to seize the day like the majority of people I see around me? I'm so envious of those who don't seem to have a care in the world. I know I shouldn't be but I am. Every day is a major struggle for me. What horror will happen next? I worry, I fret, I'm scared.

I don't hate my job but lately I am so scared every moment I'm there. They seem to look for reasons to fire people. No motivation. Nothing. The turn over rate is phenomenal. I am so thankful that I even have a job and every day I expect to be told to leave. Nothing you do is right. Nothing you say is right.

Today is Tuesday and it's my day off and I should be resting and happy. Instead I was up at 3.30 am worrying. Worrying about bills that haven't been paid. Worrying if my things will be packed up on my desk when I go back in to work on Thursday. Worrying if they will come and turn my electricity off on me today even though I've asked if they could give me until Friday to pay it. Worrying about what the neighbors say. The list goes on and on. I cant stop worrying.

I have made so many mistakes that have put me in this position and I am struggling to get out of it. I want to be able to smile and visit friends far and wide. To do things, experience things....Enjoy life. I want to care about myself again and I don't know where to begin.

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