Worst Christmas Ever!

This will be the first Christmas in my life spent away from my mother. There will be no presents. No dinner. Nothing. Finding it a bit hard but dealing with it.

Disposable People

Disposable people are never heard, rarely seen, pushed to the side and ignored. They are not important. You don't listen to the disposable person. You can toss them away when their usefulness runs out. A disposable person never is a priority. Their feelings, time, money, life do not matter. You can bully and say whatever you want to a disposable person. They won't stand up to you. They know they are disposable. They just wait for the bomb to drop.

Often

Often I let people push me around. Often I don't stand up for myself. Often I say nothing at all to keep the peace. Often I make mistakes. Often I want to die. I worry about my mother. I worry about my life. It doesn't matter what I do. No one cares. I don't belong. I can't cope. I try and fail. It's all my fault. Everyone says so. I'm worthless.. Useless Often I trust people. Often I look for the good in people. This life isn't working out.

Why I Don't Like Matt Smith

It's okay if you like Matt Smith. I really have nothing personal against him. I just don't like him as the Doctor. You can love him if you like. Everyone has their own opinion. Rock on!

To me Matt Smith is gangly, bumbling, and isn't really clever. I know the Doctor is a bit eccentric but Matt's portrayal just doesn't cut it with me.

Then there's Amy. Sure she's a pretty companion but how many expressions does she have? Is she really scared?? Is she really feeling anything??? Does she need a poo?? Hmmmm?? I suppose it really doesn't matter at all.

Anyway, Matt Smith...He never watched Doctor Who before he was cast in the role of the Doctor. He's not as attractive as David Tennant. I hate bow ties and I'm not overly fond of Fez's. I wish he would go away. Yes, that's right..I wish he would disappear, vanish, regenerate, do whatever it takes to make him skee-daddle and take Amy with him. We can keep Rory. He's ok. He's just death prone.

Bring back the genius that is Russell T. Davies!!

It's Time to be Honest

I suffer from severe depression. I can not hide it or fake it anymore. It is what it is. I've tried to be strong and to resist it but it's taken over.

I was diagnosed with depression back in the late 90's. I took antidepressants and things seemed to get better but I did not follow through. I suppose I was ashamed.

Over the years it has gotten worse. It has affected me in my work life and it was probably a factor into me losing my last 2 jobs. Now I'm unemployed and that doesn't help one bit.

I have no energy. I'm constantly fatigued. I don't want to do anything. I sleep too much. I eat too much. I hate myself but I'm not suicidal. I don't want to die. Although it would probably be better off on my family if I did.

I love my dog Rex more than anything. If it weren't for him I'd probably never get out of bed.

I have no money, no job, no health insurance. My family will just scoff at me if I confide in them. No one believes me. I'm just marked as lazy.

Something has got to change.

Unemployed, Hopeless, and Broke

I've been unemployed for so long now it's beginning to get ridiculous. I'm sick of not having any purpose what-so-ever. People who've been unemployed as long as I have are marked as lazy and not wanting a job. I do want a job. I want that daily mental stimulation, the challenge, drama, and all the good and bad things that come along with the workplace.

Things are really getting to a low point. Depression sets in. Getting out of bed is a challenge. All the rejection takes its toil and makes you feel worthless. Starting over is so hard. Especially the older you get. Companies only want to hire people in their 20's.

The one good thing is that I do have local friends in my life now. Sheila HIggins, Syd Curry, and David Low make me smile and I thank God they have come into my life. We all need friends.

Tomorrow is a new day.. Let's hope for the best. Give me the strength to stop hating myself and energy to do something good.

Twitter Life

It takes all kinds of people to make up this crazy screwed up world we live in. Open up a Twitter account and follow people from all over the world and you'll soon find that out. Some people tweet about their life, what they are doing, where they have been. Others tweet nonsense, hiding their true selves. Some are jokers and some are downright scary.

At this moment I have 707 followers on Twitter and I follow 643 of them. I've come to know and care about many of them through this mental social media experiment. Some I feel I can't unfollow for fear of upsetting their fragile egos. Some are celebrities who don't follow back and don't respond unless you say something so witty they can't contain themselves. Some are sad, lonely people who threaten to kill themselves and live in a fantasy world. Tweeting as another person, entity, or fictional character. These really scare me.

Then there are racists, bigots, and downright rude people. These people automatically get the block from me. There's a woman in London who's tweets are so vile and full of extreme hatred. In a way I feel sorry for her and in a way I don't. She feels she is absolutely right and has a right to spew hatred and I suppose she does.

You also have the fangirls who tweet nothing except pictures and thoughts of their favorite celebrity. It's really amusing to watch them scramble over themselves tweeting to said celebrity if he or she suddenly appears in their timelines. Everyone wants to get noticed and rarely do.

I suppose for me Twitter is company. With all these strange, warped, crazy people I find a place to be myself. No one has to see me. No one judges me. It's just a conversation to keep you going throughout the day. It's news, good and bad, and small 140 character or less glimpses into total stranger's lives.

Some of you Twits are my friends. Others of you I hope to never meet in a dark alley.

Tweet On!

What's Wrong Now??

It's been a long time since I've blogged. Mainly because I cant be bothered to put down words when there is nothing to say. Things just don't seem to be getting any better.

I've applied for many jobs but no call backs or either my lousy credit score knocks me out of the picture. I'm not a thief! I just want a job so I can pay my bills and get my life back on track.

On a positive note I've met many fine people in Aberdeen that I am proud to call my friends now. Which is a good thing. Sitting here constantly by myself is tiring and puts me into a deep depression.

I'm thankful to have friends and for a mom that loves me no matter what. My mom is the greatest person ever. I can never repay her and words will never be enough to describe how much I love her and how much she means to me.

The Never Changing Story

Didn't get the job. Thought I had it. The interviews were so positive. Very disappointed.

Eff my life...

What Will Be Will Be

Got called for an interview with AT&T for Monday. First call back I've had in awhile. Hopefully I will pass whatever tests they put me through and get a job. Lord knows I need one. This doing nothing lark is killing me!

The lovely fabulous Syd Curry cut my hair Friday. I am grateful to him and the good people of Aberdeen who I've recently met. It's nice knowing there are good decent people around here. Perhaps if I hadn't shut myself away like a recluse for so long I would have found that out. Depression sux but I'm trying.

Other than that I know nothing.

As for the David Tennant part of this blog...

David Tennant is still in New Mexico filming Fright Night. Someone spotted him at California Pizza Kitchen...#thatisall

Verbal Abuse

I try to keep things lighthearted. I joke and put on a smile when inside I'm dying. I'm so afraid. Afraid of life. Afraid of people. Afraid of taking a chance. I try to block the true reasons out but sometimes something happens that gives me a kick and I realize exactly what's going on.

Tonight my mother phoned me. She had sneaked outside with her cell phone to call and she was very upset. My father is driving her insane. She cannot talk to me in front of him without him yelling and making crass comments. My father has always been a strict and very angry man. Nothing you do is good enough for him. For the past few years he has gotten worse. He verbally abuses my mother and he also verbally abused me my entire life. I do not live with him so I only get it when I phone them but I am so afraid of him. I worry so much for my mother. She is a kind woman and his words are slowly killing her.

Tonight he went to bed at 7pm. He said he had given up on life. He says he is sick. He is putting the guilt on us. My mother waits on him hand and foot and its not good enough. He hates the fact that I am not pretty, rich and successful. He is ashamed of me and has let me know it. I am not welcome in their house anymore because of his prejudices. I want so much to support my mother and to be there for her but she is so scared she begs me not to. I am so scared of him I do not want to go there.

He will not get help. Refuses to acknowledge that he is ever in the wrong and belittles and demeans us to the point of giving up. I am a scared, emotional, fucked up person because of him. I don't know how to let it go or to help my mother.

Frank Lee has all of the characteristics below:


Signs of verbal abuse exhibited by the abuser are:

Actions of ignoring, ridiculing, disrespecting, and criticizing others consistently.
A manipulation of words.
Purposeful humiliation of others.
Accusing others falsely for the purpose of manipulating a person's decision making.
Manipulating people to submit to undesirable behavior.
Making others feel unwanted and unloved.
Threatening to leave the family destitute.
Placing the blame and cause of the abuse onto others.
Isolating a person from some type of support system, consisting of friends or family.
Harassment
Jekyll and Hyde behaviors, either in terms of sudden rages or behavioral changes, or where there is a very different "face" shown to the outside world vs. With victim

Me and my mother have these:

Verbal abuse is a pattern of behavior that can seriously interfere with a person's healthy emotional development. Regular exposure leads to significant detriment of a person's self-esteem, emotional well-being, and physical state.

Twitter Friends

Thanks for all the support on Twitter last night/early this morning. You guys rock! I'm so lucky that I have such a great network of friends via Twitter.

I'm strong. I will survive this.

Love y'all xx

Pain

I never in a million years thought I'd be what I am today. Scared, alone, jobless, depressed. I don't like myself very much, not that I ever did. I've reached an all time high of self-loathing. I've gained so much weight. I disgust myself. I comfort eat. I have no health or dental insurance. I need to see a dentist but cant. I have no motivation. I cant look into a mirror without cringing. I am ashamed.

I'm Still Alive

Haven't blogged in a really long time but thought I'd give it a go again. Things are not good. Still cant find a job. I've been depressed. I've let myself go. I've withdrawn from people. These are never good things and I know that. Being unemployed really makes you feel useless but I'm alive and I will try to make my life better.

Another Day

No Job! Guess I'm unhireable. This makes me sad.

It's Relative

Sunday Sunday Sunday!! Hello people. I have not blogged in ages but here I am. Still unemployed. Still feeling useless. Bah!

Yesterday was tornado day. Strong storms moved in Friday evening and lasted until yesterday spawning a massive tornado killing 10 people in the state of Mississippi. Rex and I took cover for a bit once the sirens started blaring here in Aberdeen but it all went around us and we were safe and free from damage. Didn't even lose power or internet. Amazing!!


Not much else is going on. Just checking in. I'm still alive. I don't really like the new Doctor Matt Smith. David Tennant rocks!! #thatisall

Cold

Cold cold cold

David Tennant Regenerates

1/1/10 The last hoorah for David Tennant is now over. The regeneration has happened and as expected I'm sad.



Haven't blogged much lately but thought I'd start the new year with one. Most of my Twitter followers know how crap my life has been lately. Hopefully 2010 will be better.

Back to Being Treated Like a Child

Still no job. Have ran out of money. This morning I will be heading off to Louisiana to stay with my parents until my unemployment kicks in. Back to being yelled at and scolded. Back to being told what to do and when to do it. Bah!

Can't say I haven't enjoyed the past few weeks. The lovely David Tennant has been everywhere. Absolute Radio was fun. Then the Waters of Mars which was sad and strange. Children in Need preview of the End of Time last night.



Hopefully I will be able to check in from my new prison.

Welcome to America David Tennant

'Doctor Who' star lands 'Rex' pilot
David Tennant will play a top Chicago litigator

By Nellie Andreeva

Nov 2, 2009, 11:00 PM ET
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David Tennant (Getty)
No longer will American TV audiences be asking doctor who?

Popular British actor David Tennant, best known for playing the title role in the BBC's long-running sci-fi series "Doctor Who," is set to make his American television debut as the title character in NBC's hourlong pilot "Rex Is Not Your Lawyer."

Written by Andrew Leeds and David Lampson, "Rex" centers on Rex Alexander (Tennant), a top Chicago litigator who begins suffering panic attacks and takes up coaching clients to represent themselves in court.

David Semel, who directed the pilots for "Heroes" and "Life," has come on board to helm the comedic legal drama from Universal Media Studios and BermanBraun.

He will also executive produce with veteran Barry Schindel (who is attached as showrunner), Gail Berman, Lloyd Braun and Gene Stein. Leeds and Lampson serve as supervising producers.

NBC greenlighted the project in August, about two years after it was first developed, and had been trying to find a lead actor for several months until Tennant came along and nailed the part.

Tennant, a theater and TV actor, rose to fame playing the mysterious alien time-traveler at the center of "Doctor Who" for the past five years. His performance as the Doctor has been often rated as the top in the franchise's 46-year history.

Tennant's casting is reminiscent of the tapping of another established British TV actor with virtually no American TV experience, Hugh Laurie, as the lead on Fox's medical drama "House."

Tennant, who co-starred in "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire," recently signed with UTA. He's also repped by U.K.'s Independent Talent Group.