Worst Christmas Ever!

This will be the first Christmas in my life spent away from my mother. There will be no presents. No dinner. Nothing. Finding it a bit hard but dealing with it.

Disposable People

Disposable people are never heard, rarely seen, pushed to the side and ignored. They are not important. You don't listen to the disposable person. You can toss them away when their usefulness runs out. A disposable person never is a priority. Their feelings, time, money, life do not matter. You can bully and say whatever you want to a disposable person. They won't stand up to you. They know they are disposable. They just wait for the bomb to drop.

Often

Often I let people push me around. Often I don't stand up for myself. Often I say nothing at all to keep the peace. Often I make mistakes. Often I want to die. I worry about my mother. I worry about my life. It doesn't matter what I do. No one cares. I don't belong. I can't cope. I try and fail. It's all my fault. Everyone says so. I'm worthless.. Useless Often I trust people. Often I look for the good in people. This life isn't working out.

Why I Don't Like Matt Smith

It's okay if you like Matt Smith. I really have nothing personal against him. I just don't like him as the Doctor. You can love him if you like. Everyone has their own opinion. Rock on!

To me Matt Smith is gangly, bumbling, and isn't really clever. I know the Doctor is a bit eccentric but Matt's portrayal just doesn't cut it with me.

Then there's Amy. Sure she's a pretty companion but how many expressions does she have? Is she really scared?? Is she really feeling anything??? Does she need a poo?? Hmmmm?? I suppose it really doesn't matter at all.

Anyway, Matt Smith...He never watched Doctor Who before he was cast in the role of the Doctor. He's not as attractive as David Tennant. I hate bow ties and I'm not overly fond of Fez's. I wish he would go away. Yes, that's right..I wish he would disappear, vanish, regenerate, do whatever it takes to make him skee-daddle and take Amy with him. We can keep Rory. He's ok. He's just death prone.

Bring back the genius that is Russell T. Davies!!

It's Time to be Honest

I suffer from severe depression. I can not hide it or fake it anymore. It is what it is. I've tried to be strong and to resist it but it's taken over.

I was diagnosed with depression back in the late 90's. I took antidepressants and things seemed to get better but I did not follow through. I suppose I was ashamed.

Over the years it has gotten worse. It has affected me in my work life and it was probably a factor into me losing my last 2 jobs. Now I'm unemployed and that doesn't help one bit.

I have no energy. I'm constantly fatigued. I don't want to do anything. I sleep too much. I eat too much. I hate myself but I'm not suicidal. I don't want to die. Although it would probably be better off on my family if I did.

I love my dog Rex more than anything. If it weren't for him I'd probably never get out of bed.

I have no money, no job, no health insurance. My family will just scoff at me if I confide in them. No one believes me. I'm just marked as lazy.

Something has got to change.

Unemployed, Hopeless, and Broke

I've been unemployed for so long now it's beginning to get ridiculous. I'm sick of not having any purpose what-so-ever. People who've been unemployed as long as I have are marked as lazy and not wanting a job. I do want a job. I want that daily mental stimulation, the challenge, drama, and all the good and bad things that come along with the workplace.

Things are really getting to a low point. Depression sets in. Getting out of bed is a challenge. All the rejection takes its toil and makes you feel worthless. Starting over is so hard. Especially the older you get. Companies only want to hire people in their 20's.

The one good thing is that I do have local friends in my life now. Sheila HIggins, Syd Curry, and David Low make me smile and I thank God they have come into my life. We all need friends.

Tomorrow is a new day.. Let's hope for the best. Give me the strength to stop hating myself and energy to do something good.

Twitter Life

It takes all kinds of people to make up this crazy screwed up world we live in. Open up a Twitter account and follow people from all over the world and you'll soon find that out. Some people tweet about their life, what they are doing, where they have been. Others tweet nonsense, hiding their true selves. Some are jokers and some are downright scary.

At this moment I have 707 followers on Twitter and I follow 643 of them. I've come to know and care about many of them through this mental social media experiment. Some I feel I can't unfollow for fear of upsetting their fragile egos. Some are celebrities who don't follow back and don't respond unless you say something so witty they can't contain themselves. Some are sad, lonely people who threaten to kill themselves and live in a fantasy world. Tweeting as another person, entity, or fictional character. These really scare me.

Then there are racists, bigots, and downright rude people. These people automatically get the block from me. There's a woman in London who's tweets are so vile and full of extreme hatred. In a way I feel sorry for her and in a way I don't. She feels she is absolutely right and has a right to spew hatred and I suppose she does.

You also have the fangirls who tweet nothing except pictures and thoughts of their favorite celebrity. It's really amusing to watch them scramble over themselves tweeting to said celebrity if he or she suddenly appears in their timelines. Everyone wants to get noticed and rarely do.

I suppose for me Twitter is company. With all these strange, warped, crazy people I find a place to be myself. No one has to see me. No one judges me. It's just a conversation to keep you going throughout the day. It's news, good and bad, and small 140 character or less glimpses into total stranger's lives.

Some of you Twits are my friends. Others of you I hope to never meet in a dark alley.

Tweet On!

What's Wrong Now??

It's been a long time since I've blogged. Mainly because I cant be bothered to put down words when there is nothing to say. Things just don't seem to be getting any better.

I've applied for many jobs but no call backs or either my lousy credit score knocks me out of the picture. I'm not a thief! I just want a job so I can pay my bills and get my life back on track.

On a positive note I've met many fine people in Aberdeen that I am proud to call my friends now. Which is a good thing. Sitting here constantly by myself is tiring and puts me into a deep depression.

I'm thankful to have friends and for a mom that loves me no matter what. My mom is the greatest person ever. I can never repay her and words will never be enough to describe how much I love her and how much she means to me.